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Springfield Platform Tennis Association

You have reached the unauthorized, unedited, unabridged, unofficial, unfounded, and unfunded website of the SPTA. As you have likely reached this in error, click on the "Back" icon to return to whatever prurient interests site you came from.

But if you came here on purpose, by all means ... do go on!

This site is designed principally for the benefit and use of the local platform tennis community, and to introduce the uninitiated to the sport of platform (in other words, designed solely for the amusement of the author and the occasional warped individual who strays onto the same astral plane).

The SPTA is a hodge-podge of local platform enthusiasts who were first introduced to the game when they were assigned to clean-up detail around the courts by prison officials. After securing their early releases due to prison
overcrowding, the group drove away respectable citizens using intimidation and sarcasm and have since ruled the local courts with a gang-like oligarchy.

Chief architect of the take-over, and original commissioner, was Jeff "Baby Face" Wilday, who along with Johnny "The Enforcer" Lorenzini ruled autocratically for approximately 12 years, in part due to the charter's grant of "arbitrary and capricious" powers to the commissioner.

Wilday's hold over the leadership of the association weakened in the late 1990's due to age-related infirmities. Finally, after Wilday underwent a sport-change operation in Sweden in 1999, he was deposed in a bloodless coup. Led by David "The Brain" Welch, coup leaders promised to rule as an "enlightened totalitarianism." Welch's chief henchman, Danny "Red Shoes" Kepner, has continued the tradition of belittlement that so typified the tactics of his predecessor, Lorenzini. With the addition of Donald "Honest Don" Tracy, former counsel to the WWF, who is defending the association in the plethora of libel and slander suits filed against it, the SPTA is positioned to survive well into 2001.

There may be some working links, there may not - you just never know - "I'm just a lawyer, dammit, not a computer wizard!"

A sailboat; Actual size=240 pixels wide

Charlie Root, "The Brain," and "Baby Face"

Below: "Red Shoes" and Big Mac